Personal or Business, Living with the “N” Word…Narcissism

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This particular evening, I recall he ordered a dessert wine at the end of his meal, which ultimately created a fight carrying on for multiple weeks. You see, it was common with him to get what I now understand as “the silent treatment.” This particular night was special because the dessert wine he ordered was special. Mind you, the wine it self was not particularly unique, the fact that he ordered it is what made is so different.

To understand this, you would need to appreciate that he always prided himself on requesting wine and every wine selection had to be “an experience.” He could not just look at the list and take a recommendation from the server, no, that would be much too ordinary, he had to study the selection, ask impressive questions, have in-depth conversation with whoever would listen and then of course, sniff the cork, swirl the glass, taste the pour and last but not least, nod the head.

This evening was no different, except, that after he nodded his head and sampled his wine, he wanted me to taste it as well. The problem came when I politely declined the offer. Again, the problem you ask? His was not an offer. His was a passive-aggressive command. His asking me to sample the wine was really a disguised order and he interpreted my decline as a personal rejection.

You see, he was commanding me to sample his wine in the form of a question and expected me to taste it on command.  Period. When I gently declined, he was stunned. His eyes quickly grew big, his glare gazed over starring at me without a wink. His penetrating gaze often times made my heart feel like it was going to jump out of my chest and this was no different.  He paused for a moment and turned his command into a question and with a fake smile he said,  “Why can’t you taste my wine, it’s really good?”  I responded by saying, thanks but that I was full and the sweetness was too heavy for me.  He once again stared at me and his whole demeanor changed into this childlike behavior of “I am not getting my way and you will pay for it.” attitude.

He grabbed his small glass of wine brought it up to my lips as though to feed me, teased me with it, went from a convincing smile to a stern look of “I am so disappointed in you” in a matter of seconds. I smiled and asked that he not ruin the evening we were having, he turned it around as he often did and blamed it on me. He would not see it this way. His view was that of competition and he was losing the game. He had his own rules and did not follow any one else’s boundaries.

My lips were firm and I found myself feeling like a child refusing to eat her vegetables with her father at the head of the dinner table. In the end my lips remained sealed, I felt I had failed him and the silent treatment I so feared became my reality for the next two weeks. That night, however, was not a loss, I learned how to spell Narcissist.  It has one C and 3 S’s. The lesson in this came when years later a pattern emerged of this behavior and over time it was realized as not acceptable.

Whether personal or business, we all have the right to choose what we tolerate. So whether it’s narcissistic behaviors or other behaviors that are not to our liking, we ultimately have the power to make the change and move on. So go ahead, use Google, refuse the dessert wine and learn how to spell a new word.